You’ve spent yonks dithering about like a lost lamb in a butcher shop, but at last you’re ready to pull up your socks and have a gander at a brand-new fitness regime. Time to kick the greasy grub and tie on the old feedbag with some rabbit food and fresh-picked apple bobbers. Get off your bum and out into the sunshine, you pasty git. Suck up that Vitamin D like it’s a free pint at your local, and while you’re at it, try not to be a total misery guts. Enjoy a giggle or two with your motley crew of loved ones. God knows, their patience must be stretched thinner than the Queen’s stockings. Lucky Charm: A sprig of parsley. Yep, you heard me right, parsley. Stick it in your salad, stick it in your sock, stick it wherever you see fit. It might not bring you luck, but it might make your foot smell a bit better, you mucky pup.

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!