Cor, blimey! Quit your daily graft for a mo’ and try cracking a smile for once, you miserable sod. Give yourself a moment to daydream about who you wish to be – maybe someone with a tad more charm and a bit less face like a smacked arse, eh? Let your noggin wander, even if it drags you to places more unexpected than a Tory at a trade union rally. You may feel the urge to spring into action faster than a rat up a drainpipe when a sudden brainwave hits you. And here’s your lucky nugget: “A stitch in time saves nine.” But in your case, it might be more like “A pint in time saves you from another round of your dreadful banter.” So, your lucky charm is a pint glass – it might not bring you good fortune, but at least it’ll keep your gob busy.

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!