Listen love, you’re about as harmonious as a cat in heat at a dog show, so do us all a favour and give it a rest, will you? If things get a bit sticky, like a toffee apple in a heatwave, why not skedaddle off to somewhere a bit more peaceful and less likely to provoke a riot? Somewhere like, I dunno, Antarctica. There’s naff all there but at least it’s quiet. It’s a bit like finding a chip shop in the middle of the Sahara – hard to come by but a bloody godsend when you do. Life’s problems will still be lingering, like a bad smell in a lift, but at least you can have a bit of a breather from them for a while. And here’s a lucky charm for you, darling – a solid gold clover. It’s about as likely to bring you good luck as a chocolate teapot is to hold boiling water, but hey, it’s worth a shot. Just don’t let it melt in your pocket, you’ll look like you’ve had a little accident. Oh, and your lucky colour? It’s beige. Yes, beige. The most exciting thing about beige is that it rhymes with ‘spleen’. Now, there’s a conversation starter!

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!