Well, blimey! You’ve been through the wringer, haven’t you? Thought you and your mate were as tight as a nun’s knickers, but you’ve found out you’re just as disposable as last night’s curry. It’s a right kick in the crown jewels, innit? But chin up, you soppy git. Accept that your friendship’s deader than a dodo. It’s time to hunt for pals who aren’t as useful as an ashtray on a motorbike. And for your lucky charm: A horseshoe. Right, now don’t be a numpty and start wearing it ’round your neck. Just stick it above your door, you plonker. Might stop you from making such dodgy decisions.

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!