Alright, darling, grab your tea and biscuits and brace yourself for this one. It appears your family’s turning into a bloody circus and it’s up to you, the ringmaster, to tame the wild beasts. Your mates are looking at you like you’re some sort of fortune cookie, expecting pearls of wisdom to fall out of your gob every time you open it. If you come across some nitwit struggling to see the bigger picture, don’t let them get your knickers in a twist. You’ve got to treat them like a tot who’s lost their dummy – be patient, even when you feel like you’re explaining quantum physics to a goldfish. Offer them a fresh viewpoint, like you’re spoon-feeding them pureed peas – just remember, it’s not your fault if they spit it back out. And for a bit of good fortune, your lucky phrase this week is “Bob’s your uncle.” It’s about as much use as a chocolate teapot, but hey, throw it around a bit and you might just confuse people into thinking you’re wise.

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!