Oi, listen up, you lot! There’s some poor sod out there who’s cocked things up worse than a one-legged man at an arse-kicking contest and they’re in dire need of your wizardry. That’s right, you – with the power to turn a dog’s dinner into a roast beef feast, if you can be arsed to give a toss. All it takes is to stop being a grumpy bugger and figure out where to shove your efforts. Instead of banging on about how you’ve drawn the short straw, try pulling your finger out and find a better path. Who knows? You might even get a laugh out of it. As for your lucky charm, it’s a pair of knickers. That’s right, don’t get your knickers in a twist, they might just save your bacon. And if anyone asks, just tell ’em it’s a family heirloom.

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!