Oi, you’re buzzing more than a bee on Red Bull today, aren’t ya? You’re so bloody hyperactive, it’s as if you’ve got ants in your pants and they’re having a rave. No shocker, you’ll be throwing a wobbly when things don’t go as planned. And those unreliable tossers you’re counting on? They’re about as useful as a chocolate teapot. So you’d best get bendy, mate, ’cause you’re gonna need to do more stretching than a yoga teacher at a contortionist convention. Lucky charm for the day: A pair of knickers with a four-leaf clover. Just remember, it’s not ’emergin’ luck if you have to dig ’em out of your arse.

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!