Blimey, I see you’re eyeing up another dust collector to add to your hoard of old tat! It’s nigh impossible for you to resist a bit of retail therapy, is it? Your latest find’s going to be the star attraction of your museum of relics. You’re like an eager beaver on steroids, bending over backwards to keep everyone chuffed to bits. And they love it, they really do! You’re like a one-man cheerleading squad, only with less pompoms and more dad jokes. Just a quick lucky tip for you, love – don’t go playing the lottery with the number 13. It’s just not cricket, and you’re more likely to get hit by a flying scone than to strike it rich. But hey, it could be a good excuse to avoid those pesky charity muggers on the high street, eh? “Sorry, can’t spare a quid, saving up for a ticket to financial ruins!”

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!