Blimey, you’re stuck in a right pickle, aren’t ya? It’s like choosing between two pairs of granny’s knickers, neither of which you fancy pulling on. But here’s the rub, love – you can’t have your cake and eat it too. You’ve got to make a choice, even if it feels like picking between a poke in the eye and a kick in the bum. If you’re dancing the two-step between partners, it’s time to stop faffing about. Decide on one, stick to ’em like glue. And for heaven’s sake, try not to muck it up this time, you absolute muppet. And here’s a bit of advice for the road: Your lucky colour is purple – the exact shade of a bruise you’ll get if you keep dilly-dallying. Remember, if all else fails, you can always blame it on the dog. You know, the one you don’t even have!

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!