Oi, listen up sunshine, ’cause there’s some right dodgy vibes in the wind today. You might feel like you’re stuck in a bleeding episode of EastEnders with the amount of porkies being spun. Bit of advice, keep your gob shut or you might end up in a pickle. There’s a couple of curtain twitchers and office chinwaggers who are champing at the bit to spill the beans, so give ’em the cold shoulder, alright? Don’t go swallowing their codswallop, ’cause it ain’t nothing more than a load of old tosh. And here’s a bit of a giggle for ya – today’s lucky charm is an old pair of knickers. Why? ‘Cause nothing says “bollocks to bad vibes” like a pair of granny pants that could double as a parachute. Keep ’em close, you never know when you’ll need a quick escape!

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!