Blimey, today’s the big day to sort out the mess you call relationships, especially that shared problem. You know what I mean, that one you’ve been sweeping under the rug like it’s a piece of mouldy biscuit. Now’s the time to pull up your socks and make a solid pact, even if it means locking yourself in for the long haul. And don’t you dare dither about it, or you’ll miss out on a bloody brilliant adventure that would make even James Bond green with envy. Lucky tip for the day: Always keep a rubber duck in your pocket. You never know when you’ll need to throw someone off with a squeaky distraction. And remember: it’s not about the size of the duck, it’s about the element of surprise.

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!