Oi, you’re in a right pickle, ain’t ya? Can’t suss out your love life for love nor money and it’s getting in the bloody way of your attempts to play Mother Teresa to your mates. You’re about as useful as a chocolate teapot, mate. Might be high time to get off your high horse and seek counsel from someone who’s got their head screwed on right. You need to sort your shambolic love life out, pronto. And here’s your lucky charm, or should I say, your ‘get out of jail free’ card – a mint condition, limited edition, ‘I’m Sorry’ card. Keep it handy for when you cock up next, which knowing you, will probably be sooner than you think. Don’t say I never give you anything, you ungrateful sod!

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!