You’re all over the shop today, like a one-legged man at an arse-kicking contest. Work versus love, love versus work – it’s like a bloody soap opera in your head. Still, despite your mental melodrama, it’s your job that’s going to knock the other contenders out of the ring and take the championship belt. So, sod off the rest and let’s face it, you’re about as romantic as a wet weekend in Cleethorpes. Tonight, you might finally have a chance to get a bit of how’s your father with your other half, assuming you haven’t bored them to death with your ongoing existential crisis. So, grab them by the hand, look deep into their eyes and say, “Darling, I’ve finally decided… I prefer Excel spreadsheets.” This is where you need to park your arse right now, mate. And here’s a lucky tip for you, try wearing your lucky pants today, they’re bound to bring more excitement than your spreadsheet. Or, at the very least, they’ll distract people from your personality.

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!