Blimey! You’ve been busting your hump, getting all hot under the collar for a bunch of ungrateful twits who wouldn’t know a good turn if it slapped ’em right in the kisser. Next time one of ’em comes a-begging, tell ’em to jog on. No need to sugar-coat it, love. You’re not their mum! Now, why not give that internet gizmo a whirl? You know, the one where perfect strangers blather on about the same old tosh you fancy. Who knows, you might even meet a few non-tossers. Lucky Charm: Keep a rubber duck in your pocket for luck. Why? Because if you’re going to be taken for a fool, you might as well have a duck in your trousers. Pisces (February20th-March20th) You’re absolutely gasping for a bit more legroom, novelty, and liberty in your life, mate. The dull-as-ditchwater monotony of your daily grind is grinding your morale down to a fine powder. Being cooped up in the same spot or with the same bunch of tossers is making you feel like a caged hamster. Now, don’t start telling yourself there’s nowt you can do: start seeking out ways to escape this groan-worthy groove, you lazy git. Lucky charm: A horseshoe. And no, not the one off your high horse. Hang it up and it might help you get off your backside – but don’t hold your breath, love.

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!