Blimey, if your noggin’s buzzing like a beehive on speed, try a bit of the old mind mellowing, meditation. Or, if that’s a load of old tosh, you could always spruce up your gaff with some daft Pinterest-inspired ideas. Yeah, just what you need, another bloody pallet coffee table. Tonight, pop on some choons, have a dance, and shake your booty like no one’s watching. Except the neighbours. They’re always watching. And judging. Finally, get your arse outside for a bit. Who knows, you might even enjoy it. Just watch out for bird poo. It’s supposed to be lucky, but it�s just plain messy. And here’s a top tip: embrace the number 7 today. Lucky for some, utter codswallop for others. Remember, numbers don’t give a toss about us. They’re just squiggles on a page. Now, isn’t that a comforting thought?

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!