Stop slaving away like a Dickensian workhouse orphan, mate! If you keep pushing like a constipated bulldog, you’ll only end up knackered and looking as attractive as a dog’s dinner. Instead, try stuffing your gob with something that doesn’t resemble a deep-fried stick of butter and maybe, just maybe, do a bit of a jig around the living room. It’s called exercise, sweetheart. And don’t forget to take a breather, maybe try a bit of that meditation hocus-pocus. You know, where you sit and do bugger all while pretending to recharge your batteries like a second-hand Duracell Bunny. Your lucky charm? A carrot. Not because it’ll bring you good fortune, but because you could bloody well use the vitamins. And who knows, maybe if you sit on it during your meditation, it might finally help you pull your head out of your arse.

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!