Oi, listen up, you bundle of boredom! The stars reckon you won’t be in the mood for anything duller than a wet weekend in Wigan later on, so you’d best get cracking on those mind-numbing tasks tout suite. And don’t go daydreaming about that fit postman or that cheeky barmaid while you’re at it – you need to keep your wits about you to dodge any cock-ups. Eyes on the job, love! Lucky tip for you: Buy a bloody planner. It can’t hurt. Besides, it’s more interesting than watching paint dry. Might even help keep your scatterbrain in check.

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!