Well, darling, you know how you’d rather listen to a bagpipe solo than the drivel that often spills from the mouths of your surrounding lot? Buckle up, sweetie, because you’re going to have to lend an ear. Shocking, I know, but do try to stay awake. It turns out, there could be pearls amidst all the pig slop. Their value might just outshine your existing judgements, heavens forbid. Now, those cock-ups you’ve made in the past? They’re not just for embarrassing party anecdotes. They’re going to guide your future actions, like a drunken satnav. And here’s a little something for the road, your lucky charm is a rubber duck. Why? Because life is just one big, daft bath time and you might as well have something to squeeze during the awkward bits.

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!