Well, darling, it seems you’re not as useless as we all suspected. The mugs around you’ve actually noticed you can do something other than polish off the biscuit tin, and guess what? They might even sling a promotion your way – or, heaven forbid, a job offer. I mean, I’m as shocked as you are. Now brace yourself, because there’s a crusty old tutor who’s taken a fancy to you, and they’re about to shanghai you into studying something so captivating, you’ll almost forget about your favourite soap opera. It’s their not-so-subtle way of coaxing out whatever talent you’ve managed to hide under that mop of hair. Lucky for you, it turns out your lucky charm is a tea bag. Yes, you heard me right. A plain, old, ordinary tea bag. Because, let’s face it, the only skill you’ve mastered so far is making a decent brew. So keep one in your pocket for good luck – and for emergency tea breaks.

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!