Cor blimey, your love life’s been on more roller coasters than a chav at Thorpe Park. You’ve been playing ostrich, burying your head in the sand like a politician caught in a scandal, pretending everything’s hunky-dory. But let’s face it, love, the warning signs are flashing brighter than a Blackpool illuminations. You better sort it out sharpish before it spirals out of control like a lager lout on a Saturday night. If you keep ignoring the problem, it’ll grow bigger than Jordan’s chest implants, and we all know how that turned out, don’t we? Your lucky charm? A pair of knickers with a built-in lie detector. That should sort out the wheat from the chaff. And if it doesn’t, well, at least they’ll keep your bum warm in this bloody weather.

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!