Cor blimey! The day’s off to a dodgy start, innit? Seems like desire and duty are at each other’s throats like a pair of Eastenders on a bender. Duty’s come out swingin’, roundhouse kick to the face, and now there’s a proper miffed mate or other half giving it large. But, my old china, you can’t let this golden opportunity to flaunt your fancy footwork slip through your fingers like a greasy chip. Lucky charm for you: a pair of knickers. Not for wearing, you cheeky sod, but to remind you to keep your private affairs private. And if they’re leopard print, even better. Makes for a cracking conversation starter at parties!

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!