Cor, blimey! You’re gobsmacked, ain’t ya? Not a solitary soul in the room pipes up when the chinwag goes tits up. Always keep an eye on the context, mate, but some things these wankers are spouting off are just not on – it’s like a bloody episode of Midsomer Murders up in here. You best be sure, your own natter is smart and polite, or you’ll find yourself up the creek without a paddle – and I ain’t talking about your last disastrous date. Your lucky phrase for the day: “Keep your wig on!”. It’s a corker, innit? ‘Course, if you’ve got a syrup like Donald Trump’s, might be best to let it fly off.

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!