Alright, listen up, mate, ’cause I’m only saying this once. You might reckon that going for the cheeky shortcut’s the dog’s bollocks, but let me tell you, it’s about as useful as a chocolate teapot. In the end, you’ll end up face-planting into a pile of disappointment bigger than the Brexit divorce bill. But don’t worry, you daft mug, you’ll be back on your feet, ready for round two. Next time though, do it right, you numpty. No more half-arsed attempts. Do it by the book, or don’t bother at all, alright? And here’s a little tip for your trouble: “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.” Unless it’s your sense of direction, that is. In that case, you might want to invest in a compass. It could be your lucky charm, although with your track record, I wouldn’t hold me breath.

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!