Listen up, ’cause the stars have kicked off their slippers and they’ve got a right corker for you. Apparently, you’ve got more invitations than a royal wedding, but they’re about as welcome as a fart in a lift, aren’t they? The cosmos is telling you to shove off the world for a tick, take a butchers at your navel and find some peace and quiet in your noggin’. But here’s the rub, you’re about as likely to get some alone time as a Kardashian without a camera crew. Expecting to find solitude in your day is like expecting to find a vegan at a butcher’s convention. So, looks like you’re stuck with the rest of us, you poor sod. Now, for your lucky bit, your lucky colour is green. No, not the green of envy, but the green of a late-night kebab. And remember, if anyone asks, it’s not food poisoning, it’s a ‘lucky cleanse’.

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!