Brace yourself for some bloody good news about that shambles you call ‘legal affairs’ or your ‘property empire’ (more like a garden shed, innit?). You’ll finally have a reason to puff out your chest, and not just because you’ve swallowed a pigeon. Seems like someone’s been up to no good behind the scenes, eh? Well I’ve always said, what goes on behind the curtains should stay behind the curtains. But not this time, darling. All your scandalous little secrets are about to be paraded out, naked as the day they were born. Better put on the kettle, this is going to be a right laugh. And for your lucky little trinket of the day. Get yourself a rubber duck. No, not for any kinky stuff, you dirty bugger. Just because it’s bloody hilarious. And remember, “No matter how much the duck is shaking, the water off its back, it’s still a bloody duck!” So embrace your inner duck, darling. And if anyone asks why you’re carrying around a rubber duck, just tell ’em it’s for good luck. Or that you’ve finally lost the plot. Either way, you’re in for a laugh.

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!