Oi, listen up, you lazy lump! Squeeze every bit of juice from any opportunity to polish up those half-baked schemes of yours. You’re as likely to improve things as a chocolate teapot is to hold boiling water, but it’s worth a shot, innit? You and your mates, you’re all in this together, like a bunch of penguins huddling in a blizzard. Just remember, relying on each other’s farts for warmth only works for so long. After dragging your feet like a sloth on tranquillisers, you’ll finally see some progress in your latest doomed enterprise. God knows why you’re bothering, but hey, who am I to judge? And your current squeeze? You’re entering a phase that’s as stable as a three-legged donkey. But don’t worry, as harmonious as a choir of cats in heat is just around the corner. And here’s your lucky charm: a rubber chicken. Why? Because life’s a joke, mate, and you’re the punchline. Don’t forget to laugh!

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!