It looks like you’ve been chucked in the deep end without any armbands. A sticky wicket you’d rather not poke a brolly into, but alas, your mates and fam are about as useful as a chocolate teapot. Couldn’t find their own backsides with both hands and a torch, they couldn’t. They’re all banking on you to fish out the answers they couldn’t find if they were tattooed on their forehead. Flattering, really, but as welcome as a fart in a spacesuit, innit? Your lucky charm this week? A stiff upper lip and a wicked sense of humour. If you can’t laugh at the apocalypse, what can you laugh at? And remember, the number 7 is your best mate – it’s just about as reliable as you are… which isn’t saying much!

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!