Darling, you’re positively itching to kick off a scheme that could toss you about like a bottle in the Thames. Now, there are a few eager beavers who fancy joining you in this madcap adventure. But ask yourself, luv, are these the right sorts or a bunch of plonkers who couldn’t organise a piss up in a brewery? Perhaps it’s wiser, my dear, to hold your horses and not gallop off like a randy stallion at the first sniff of an opportunity. Your lucky charm this week is a snail shell. Yes, you heard right, a bleeding snail shell! It’s about as useful as a chocolate teapot for speed but might just remind you to slow down, you reckless twit!

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!