Blimey, when the world’s got you bent over a barrel and taking the mickey, go on, hop outside, guzzle a lungful of that polluted air and gawp at the sorry state of this planet. Remember, there’s a hidden meaning behind all the usual tosh and faff of life � probably something about the human race being a bunch of muppets. But don’t you worry, darling, you’ve got the balls to slap any trouble right in the kisser. Luck’s in the air, love. Your lucky item for today is a used tea bag. Why? Because just like you, it’s already been through some hot water and come out stronger… and a bit more bitter.

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!