Wrangling with your own emotions will be as straightforward as a drunk penguin navigating through a cactus farm, especially when the circus around you is chucking out sparks like a faulty plug socket. You might find yourself going off like a cheap firework at a car boot sale over some baffling nonsense. Do your best to avoid charging in like a bull in a china shop – you’ll only make things worse, you muppet. Your lucky charm? A horseshoe. But remember, it’s about as useful as a chocolate teapot if you don’t believe in it, you numpty.

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!