Right, listen up, you plonker. It seems like you’ve got a touch of the ol’ daftness today – it’s not on purpose, mind you, but you’re more confused than a chameleon in a bag of Skittles. You’d struggle to get the right end of a conversation if it came with bloody instructions. It’s like you, your siblings, your neighbours, even your flatmates are all nattering away in different lingo. You’re not at the United Nations love, so pull your socks up. Do yourself a favour and try not to mumble like a half-cut Morris dancer. And for Pete’s sake, make sure you repeat what others are telling you – it’s the only way you’ll know if you’ve cocked up. Now, here’s your lucky charm: a dictionary. Might help you understand people, or at least look like you do. And remember, using it isn’t just for when you’re playing Scrabble.

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!