“Blimey! Your thoughts are as popular as a fresh pint in a pub, you cheeky sod. People are hanging on your every word, like the Queen Mum on gin. You’re not the only one keen on setting new goals – as if you’re the bloody pioneer of ambition! Today, it’s all about your dosh situation. Maybe considering how you could stuff more quid in your pockets without resorting to nicking or turning tricks. Lucky charm: A penny found heads up. And remember, a penny saved is a penny earned… unless you’re a bit of a pillock and spend it on a dodgy-looking kebab.”

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!