Now listen ‘ere, darling, you’re as bored as a nun in a cucumber patch, and that’s really saying something. It ain’t the time to sit on your rump, luv, but to get your knickers in a knot doing something worthwhile. Set yourself a new challenge today, not just for you, but to help all those poor sods out there too. You’re about as useful as a chocolate teapot, but when you start whittling down life’s arse-aches, well, no one can accuse you of being an utter waste of space, can they? And here’s your lucky charm, darling: A four-leafed clover. But knowing your luck, you’ll probably trip over a bloody leprechaun before you find one!

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!