Well, well, well. If you’re not flogging off your house or legging it to a new postcode like a ferret up a drainpipe, then I’m a bloody Martian! After a right royal cock-up of trials and tribulations, you can finally expect some good news. It’s about time too, darling! And that old fossil in your family who’s been more in denial than a nudist in a snowstorm, is finally coming to terms with their dodgy ticker. Should make life a tad easier for you, now that they’re not kicking up a fuss about needing a hand. As for your lucky bit, it’s a rusty horseshoe. No, don’t chuck it out just yet! You never know, it might just be the ticket to ward off that nasty whiff of bad luck that’s been tailing you like a bad fart.

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!