Blimey, if you put half as much elbow grease into your life goals as you do into your Netflix binge-watching, you’d be bloody unstoppable, wouldn’t ya? If you manage to unglue your arse from the sofa and face the real world, you’d achieve something more than just the high score in Candy Crush. And for goodness’ sake, do us all a favour and tweak that daily routine of yours. It’s about time you learnt a bloomin’ useful skill for the future, instead of perfecting your technique for opening beer bottles with your teeth! Lucky tip for ya: Try using a corkscrew for that wine bottle, instead of your head. It’s less painful and you won’t put the neighbours’ cat off its dinner.

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!