Well, well, well, look at you, all gagging for a bit of the ol’ noggin nourishment. You’re so bloody keen to stuff your brainbox with knowledge, I bet you’ve been sniffing around every dingy internet corner and dodgy night school, haven’t you? Your zesty spirit and relentless pep has you glowing like a radioactive tangerine. It’s no wonder all the eligible bachelors and bachelorettes are suddenly circling you like sharks around a bleeding seal. If you’re as single as a slice of Tesco’s own-brand cheddar (and god help you if you are), brace yourself for an incoming flood of date requests. And by ‘requests,’ I mean desperate pleas from the love-starved masses who’ve somehow mistaken your desperation for charm. By the way, your lucky item this week is a garden gnome. I know, I know, it’s about as useful as a chocolate teapot, but hey, its fixed grin might finally teach you how to fake enthusiasm for your tedious dates.

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!