Blimey, love. You’re going to have a chinwag with someone who’s got their head screwed on right, and it’s going to leave you gobsmacked. You’ll think you’re having a laugh, but this bloke’s got the inside scoop on everything you’ve been scratching your head over. Like a bloody boffin they are, sharing the gospel according to Google. Tonight, you’ve got the charm of a mule with a toothache, and it’s as stubborn as a flamingo in a ballet class. Keep your noggin’ open, darling, or you’ll be as useful as a chocolate teapot! And here’s a cheeky tip for you: the colour purple’s your new best mate today. So, slap on that hideous eggplant-coloured jumper your nan knitted. It’s about as stylish as socks with sandals, but hey, who knows? It might just be the lucky charm that keeps you from cocking everything up!

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!