Well, listen up sunshine, after you’ve spent a good tick-tock noodling around your piggy bank, it’s about time you start rattling some cages and sort out your dosh with your mates. It should be as easy as falling off a log, finding common ground with your chums. It’s like finding a chippy in Blackpool. And for Pete’s sake, have a chinwag with some high and mighty, it’ll give you the pat on the back you’ve been so desperately seeking about your grand schemes for the future. It’s like asking the Queen if she fancies a cuppa, ain’t it? As for your lucky charm, it’s as clear as mud – a four-leaf clover. Just don’t go sticking it up your backside thinking it’ll bring you even more luck. It’s a charm, not a suppository. Lucky tip of the day: Never trust a fart after a curry night. It may seem like a lucky escape, but it could end up a disaster in your knickers.

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!