Blimey, you’re like a moth to a flame with new and bloody impossible tasks, ain’t ya? But no worries, just slap on a grin and give it a go! If it all goes tits up, don’t chuck a wobbly, just pick yourself up, dust off your bum and have another crack at it. No need to be a hard taskmaster, you’re not auditioning for Fifty Shades of Grey, now are ya? Remember, change ain’t just something you find down the back of the sofa, it’s a bloody possibility! So, stop wasting your precious energy on giving yourself a bollocking. And here, hold onto this lucky charm, a golden horseshoe. Not that it’ll help your luck, but it might come in handy when you want to give someone a swift kick in the arse!

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!