It appears as though some group malarkey is stuck in a right old pickle, just like a sloth on tranquilisers. Giving it the old heave-ho right now might be as useful as a chocolate teapot. There’s this one bellend acting like they’ve all the time in the world to finish their bits and bobs, and no matter how much you egg ’em on, they’re moving at the speed of a tortoise on a tea break. In fact, if you let them catch a glimpse of your ticked-off mug, they might take it down a notch and move slower than a snail in a traffic jam. Lucky item: A sloth-shaped charm. Why? Because it’s about bloody time you learned to appreciate the slower things in life, like watching paint dry or grass grow. It’s riveting, I promise.

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!