Listen up, sweetheart. That belly of yours? It ain’t just for downing pints and digesting dodgy kebabs. No, it’s got the bloody sat nav of life installed, it has. So, tune in, because it’s squawking louder than a seagull on a chip shop roof. Apparently, you’re exactly where you’re supposed to be, even if it does feel like you’ve accidentally wandered into the EastEnders set. And those tear-stained pillowcases? I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but those emotional boo-boos aren’t going to heal faster than a pensioner on a zebra crossing. You’re going to need something deeper than a Botox injection to patch that up. Something as warm and supportive as a pair of Spanx on a chilly day. Now, listen closely, because I’ve got a lucky phrase for you. Repeat after me: “I’m luckier than a fox in a hen house.” Use it, especially when you feel like you’ve got the luck of a drunk bloke trying to find his house keys at 3 am. Remember, darling, it’s not about the hand you’re dealt, it’s how you bluff your way through the game!

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!