Oi, Gemini, brace yourself for a bollocks-up of epic proportions, mate! It’s going to be as comfortable as a porcupine in a nudist colony, and it’ll piss you off more than finding out your favourite pub’s run out of lager. But keep your pecker up, darling, ’cause it’s not as bad as the time Aunt Edna mistook the glue for her denture cream. And, would you Adam and Eve it? That old tosser from work, the one who couldn’t crack a smile if you tickled his arse with a feather, he’s stepping in. Just when you thought things couldn’t get any weirder, there he is, saving the day like a balding Batman with halitosis. And for a lucky charm, how about a rubber duck? I mean, if you’re going to be waist-deep in muck, might as well have a little yellow mate to keep you company. Don’t forget to share a pint with it after all this is over, you lucky git.

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!