Bloody hell, love, brace yourself! It seems you’re about to be swarmed by an army of door-to-door peddlers and zealots who’ve mistaken you for someone who gives a toss. If you’ve got bugger all to do, you might just find their yammering amusing. But if your timesheet’s stacked up like a rush-hour queue at the chippy, then you need to tell ’em to sod off, and don’t be shy about it, darling! Lucky charm: A can of baked beans. Why? Because nothing says “piss off” like a full English breakfast missile.

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!