Oi, listen up, lovebirds. Your weekend is about to get steamier than a tea kettle at the Queen’s afternoon tea. Got an itch for some fun, do ya? Well, stop scratching your unmentionables in public and try something bloody mad – like Morris dancing or streaking through the local Tesco. Your best mate, or your other half (if you can remember their name), has got some wild dreams too, probably involving a lottery win or escaping to Spain without being extradited. Now, how about you two stop faffing about and actually do something about it? Combining forces might just make things a bit more thrilling than watching paint dry or another episode of EastEnders. And here’s your lucky bit: Wear a pair of lucky knickers. Not because it’ll bring you fortune, but at least it’ll cover your bum when you’re making a fool of yourself. Just remember to put ’em on the right way round, yeah?

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!