Right then, love, best grab those fluffy unicorn slippers and plonk your arse on the sofa, because it’s time to give that overworked noodle of yours a well-deserved rest. It’s gone bloody haywire, hasn’t it? Dreaming up all sorts of delusions of grandeur. Next, I want you to ponder on what you want to brag about at the pub in a few months. Is it a yacht? A mansion? Or maybe just getting through lockdown without accidentally killing your houseplants. Either way, start scribbling down your master plan on the back of that takeaway menu you’ve been using as a coaster. And remember, darling, the journey from dreamland to reality is like going from a posh champagne cocktail to a warm can of lager – it’s going to be a bit of a letdown, but at least you’ll have something to drink. As for your lucky charm, try using that old sock you found under the bed last week. Trust me, with your luck, it’s probably harboring a forgotten fiver. Just remember to wash it first, I don’t want you getting athlete’s foot on your hands.

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!