Everyone around you is gawking like they’ve seen a pig fly as you’re soaring higher than a pigeon on Red Bull. It’s not because you’ve won the lottery or discovered the secret to eternal youth, no. It’s your mates in high places, those posh toffs, pulling the strings. Even if you feel like you’ve done diddly squat, it’s clear your mates and those poor sods you call work colleagues are gobsmacked by your unexpected leap from mediocrity. Your lucky charm for today is a horseshoe. But remember, it only works if it’s been nicked from a one-legged, cross-eyed horse on a Tuesday.

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!