Hold your horses, darling! You’re running around like a headless chicken, desperate to please everyone, but you’re just one step away from being as knackered as a pair of old knickers. I mean, really, who do you think you are, Superman? You’re about as close to him as I am to winning Miss Universe! Take care, love, or you’ll end up looking like a wizened old prune. And look at you, pretending you’re as fit as a fiddle when you’re coughing more than a two-bob whore in a coal mine. Pull yourself together, pet. You need a time out, a bit of R&R – and I don’t mean rum and raisins, although that does sound delicious. Your lucky charm this week is a comfy old armchair. Park your bum there, pop on the telly, and have a good laugh at the world going to pot. Trust me, there’s nothing more therapeutic than a bit of schadenfreude.

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!