Oi, you there! Here’s your bleeding horoscope. If a bit of a right laugh lands on your lap out of the blue, bloody well jump on it! Who gives a toss about your existing plans? They’re probably as exciting as watching paint dry anyway. Bung caution to the wind and see where this wild ride takes you. You’ve got about as much chance of predicting it as a chocolate teapot has of surviving a heatwave. A spot of jollification and spontaneity is just what the doctor ordered to break free from the mundane carousel of everyday toil and duty. Your lucky phrase? “I’m off to have a ball!” Say it three times while twirling around like a drunk flamingo, it’s about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest, but at least it’s good for a laugh.

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!