Even when the bloody Sun is taking a day off, lounging about behind a cloud like a lazy sod, you can still find a bit of joy in the dark recesses of your heart. There’s a bloomin’ shedload of things you should be saying cheers mate to, so stop whinging, you ungrateful git. Sod off from your day-to-day drudgery, and waste some time with your brood or shoot the breeze with those pals who don’t completely get on your wick. Opt for something that lets you be a bit artistic – perhaps macrame toilet roll covers or a potato print of the Queen’s face. Now, here’s your lucky phrase: “I’m as lucky as a two-tailed cat at a rocking chair convention.” Use it wisely and with a straight face, you cheeky bugger!

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!