Oi, listen up, you lucky sod! Your mates are all suddenly coming over all Mother Teresa, ready to hold your hand while you stumble through life like a drunken sailor on leave. They’re so bloody sweet, it’s like being stuck in a Disney film, and it’s giving me toothache. They’re all about making you feel like you belong, like you’re part of the gang. It’s all “Kumbaya” around the campfire, and “let’s make a friendship bracelet”. They’re probably all going to start hugging trees next, the nutters. Your friendships are beefing up, getting stronger than a gorilla on steroids, and it’s as if you’ve slipped into some alternate universe where everyone’s nice. It’s enough to make you want to puke rainbows. Your lucky charm for the day? A bloody big bar of chocolate – because if you’re going to be stuck in a Disney film, you might as well enjoy the sweets. Just remember, if the squirrels start singing, it’s time to check yourself into the loony bin.

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!